I’ve returned from a 5-day silent retreat. How naive I was in that last Instagram post before I left. I thought I already understood everything. My dear Sema, unaware of what was to come, embarking on the retreat with clichés like “I’ve seen and grasped all my emotions”… If we’re ready, here comes the Ottoman slap…

Day 1 –

The silence began at dinner. This wasn’t just about not talking. It was about not talking, not communicating, not making eye contact, not reading books, not writing, not listening to music… Just not talking was so easy, but our protagonist would realize this a little late…

Our instructors, Günter Hudasch and Lot Heijke, asked us to keep our cell phones switched off and only use them for the morning alarm. I put my phone on airplane mode and left it in my room during dinner. The moment I realized I’d gone back twice in those two hours to unplug it from airplane mode and check my phone, I understood that these 5 days couldn’t go on like this. It was like putting a bottle of raki in front of an alcoholic trying to quit… I hung up the phone and, my hands trembling, handed it to Günter. “Whatever I say, don’t give me this phone back until Wednesday noon,” I said, and at that moment, a shiver ran through me, anxiety struck, but I didn’t worry too much. We were still talking, my beloved friends were with me, but those were our last conversations. Before the silence, we tried to gossip as much as we could, talking until our tongues were sore, and then the doorbell rang and silence began. After the evening meditation of the first day, we went to our rooms.

That’s when it all started. I was saying, “I’m so tired, I’ll just sleep anyway.” I went out onto the balcony for a bit, sat there, and so on, but something started happening to me. Loneliness was gently caressing my cheek from all sides. I looked at the stars, listened to my surroundings, but no, it wouldn’t work. “This night can’t go on like this,” I said, and buried myself in bed. I closed my eyes, and all I saw was a pitch-black circle, like the sky. I tried to see if I was a star there. No, I wasn’t even that, I wasn’t visible. Like a tiny child’s first night after being abandoned by their mother. I wasn’t afraid, but I was utterly alone. I had no connection to life or existence. The punches kept coming from all sides. A night I couldn’t sleep at all, tossing and turning constantly.

Since I didn’t have my phone, my friend İpek was going to knock on my door at 6 am. That’s what we agreed on, and on my wrist was a manual, classic watch that another friend had brought as an extra. They gave me that watch so I could tell the time. It was the only technology I had.

I was already awake before Ipek knocked on the door, and that morning I woke up crying.

After the first 24 hours, my feeling was: I’m at rock bottom. If I go crazy here, if I have a crisis, there are 5 psychiatrists and about 20 psychologists in the group, plus a neurologist. They will help me, I thought, and that feeling comforted me a little.

The first day’s arrival… In this world, I am nothing. Without connections, without communication, I’m no different from a leaf. Even if I were the president of the most powerful country, even if I were the CEO of Apple, if we don’t have connections in the universe, we are nothing… I felt like a drop in the ocean, and from that day on, life changed for me. There are no more egos there. Our actions, our successes, our failures, our purposes of existence, none of it exists anymore.

I used to think I loved solitude, but I’ve never truly been alone. With phones in our hands, books, and even the luxury of being able to write, we’re not alone. There’s the old lady on the opposite balcony. There’s the old man passing by on the street. There’s someone lying on the deck chair next to us. These aren’t loneliness, are they? But now I was alone, face to face with my greatest fear in life.

I woke up feeling very sad the morning I was going to my retreat. I felt alone. Oh, what a terrible loneliness it was… Right now, its worst kind was sitting right in front of me. The fact that most of the things I’ve done or haven’t done in life stemmed from my fear of loneliness hit me like a slap in the face. My greatest fear and I were sitting silently together in a room, and I had no idea how to cope with it.

End of Day 1… Actually, without connections, you’re nothing. You might not even be a drop in the ocean, so don’t worry too much about it…

Day 2 –

I cried all day, without stopping. During all the meditations, exercises, and even during every 5-minute break I find, I fall asleep. Maybe it’s a reactive response to get through the moment. I’m not entirely sure, but sleeping feels good.

Feeling the sun on my back, spending time among the trees is nice, but the extreme fatigue, sleepiness, and absurd food cravings are killing me. My mind is playing tricks on me… and that evening, a talk Lot gave comforted me. Before the night meditation, hearing from our instructor that all my friends felt the same way as me, that the loneliness, sleep, and food issues were exactly the same, was so comforting. Oh, I’m not the only one experiencing this, and there’s no need to worry. We’re all going through the same things.

Then we do a compassion meditation, and that’s when I completely collapse. It’s impossible to hold back my tears. We send wishes to someone we love. I wish that this very special person I chose will always be very happy and always safe. Now comes the second slap… We’re asked to send the same wishes to ourselves, and again, boom! I realize that until that day, I had never made wishes for myself. I had always thought about my loved ones and hadn’t even thought about myself half as much. The moment I send my desire for safety to myself, the tears keep piling up, but that night I sleep like a baby.

The lesson learned today…

Human beings are like a guesthouse,

Every morning a new person arrives.

A joy, a crisis, a cruelty,

To suddenly realize something,

They are all unexpected guests.

Welcome and treat them all!

Even if a crowd of sorrows comes, sweeping your house with savagery,

Emptying all your furniture,

Welcome each one with honor.

Perhaps they emptied your house to bring new joy.

Dark thoughts, shame, and resentment,

Welcome them all at the door with a smile,

And invite them in.

Be grateful to each one,

Whoever comes.

For each of them,

Was sent as a guide from the other side.

Rumi

These are the things I collected during my meditation walks on the beach… The only connection I have with the world… Now they’re with me at home… One for me, one for someone else I love…

Day 3 –

After breakfast, I went down to the riverbank and oh my God, what did I see? A black dog… I was going to go crazy with joy. A living being that understands me, my feelings. A member of my favorite species in this life, whom I can touch, with whom I can connect, wagging its tail at me. I was so happy that morning. The sadness of yesterday was gone, and that day had become a morning where I felt very good. And I had a meeting with Günter that day. We were going to talk about how the retreat was going, and feeling his fatherly warmth had been so good for me. I spoke, my tone of voice was still unchanged and present :)))

On the night of the 3rd day, after dinner, I wondered how I would pass the time in that room and planned to escape. Yes, I didn’t have my phone, but my car was at the door. I had the keys, and there was a market nearby. I could have jumped in the car, bought a bottle of wine from the market, drunk it, passed out, and the night would have passed. I was very serious about my plan and I was going to do it after the evening meditation.

Our teachers always gave us the right talks at the right time. That evening, during the talk after dinner, Günter said that we might have the urge to run or flee right now and how we could cope with it. Bam! He had come right on time again, and after that same compassion meditation, I went to my room with my brain almost foggy and feeling like I was in a dream, continued meditating for a while longer, sent my feelings to those I missed through the stars in the sky, and fell asleep. I knew they felt me, and then I realized, yes, I had been felt…

Day 4 –

That morning I understood why people feel the need to go to a place of worship. I woke up at 6:05 and all I wanted to do was go to the practice hall (which, by the way, was open 24 hours, and now I understand why). Another morning where I woke up feeling very down, crying a lot. This time, the reason for my crying was this: I had finally embraced my greatest fear, and it was following me everywhere. Tomorrow was the last day, and how was I going to cope with this fear when I got home? At 6:20, with my hood up and blankets wrapped around me, I spent the morning both sobbing and meditating. When my other friends arrived at 7, I felt a little more relaxed. The relief of being on the penultimate day made the day easier to manage. My mind kept going back to “home.” “Tomorrow I’ll do this, I’ll write this email, I’ll tell my loved ones this,” and so on, but I was constantly trying to return to the moment and where I was.

The desire to communicate had reached its peak. I wanted to talk to all my friends there, and I was crying incessantly again.

We formed a silent but very strong bond with all my friends. While walking outside, a friend gave me these, saying, “I gathered these for you…” thyme and lavender. Yes, we couldn’t speak, but little buzzing sounds had begun :)) It’s hard, very hard not to speak at all…

And… Day 5 –

Now we’re all excited… Excited to go home, but also to share incredible feelings and moments. Everyone in this group is now a part of me…

But İpek… she’s something else entirely. We always sat side by side. When she cried, I wanted to hug her so much, but I couldn’t. I was sending her my love and the feeling of wanting to embrace her from within. And as I cried silently beside her, I felt her sending me the same things, and when we talked at the end of the retreat, we were sure we had always sent each other the same things. Silently sharing your troubles, feeling someone without even looking at their face or touching them… There’s no way to describe or explain this bond…

Mindfulness Institute, you changed my life… I understand now much better why this retreat was necessary to become an MBSR trainer. If I hadn’t lived a sugar-free life, if I hadn’t adapted healthy eating to my life, could I have truly helped my clients achieve success? No…

If I hadn’t done this retreat and internalized it so deeply, I wouldn’t have been a good MBSR instructor… I understand that very well today.

It was my first retreat, but it won’t be my last…

I set out on my journey to continue searching for even more beautiful words that I haven’t yet spoken. Without forgetting my place in the universe, and keeping my egos at bay (because in reality, we are all a part of nothingness), I will continue to fill my place here, to be more useful to the world of which I am a tiny, minuscule part, until my last breath…

I’m not finished writing on this topic, but the text has become too long. I’ll divide it into two parts, adding some of my nutritional experiences from my retreat to the second part. I think I’ll have that written by evening 🙂

Lots of love to everyone…